League Of Steak

Have you played League of Legends? ‘Let me at it; bet it’s easy!’ First, you have to learn the basic premise: destroy the towers and kill anyone in your way. ‘Great! Got that, what’s next?’ Tactics, roles and lanes. ‘Nah F**k that I’m gonna wreck these noobs!’ Queue, a quick death and a tirade of, ‘WTF! Help me Fags! Fucking dicks gg rito* gt gang banged under tower we loose**’.

This is the point every console gamer gets to. You’re f**ked! The hope is that these players will leave and go back to FIFA and COD, yet, for some reason, they don’t. Well, most of them probably do but it feels like there are still idiots everywhere within the depths of Riot’s servers, but I digress. I’m trying to say this game is hard. Very hard!

Like the bully who waits for you after school, it keeps getting beating you and you keep going back. You masochist, you! One day you scream, ‘Not this time bully!’ and you kick the living f**k out of the c**t. It’s a steep learning curve but, with perseverance you will see the light. ‘Split-push’, ‘Kite’ and ‘Buffs’ will become standard knowledge.

‘So, Hywel, how about talking about the game rather than s**t metaphors and scenarios?’ Ok, jeez… Noobs.

The game is defined as a multiplayer online battle arena, or MOBA in our internet world of acronyms. There are two teams of five champions, three lanes, a river, a jungle, a constant flow of minions, towers, inhibitors and the ultimate goal, the nexus. Your task is to battle through the other team, destroying towers, minions and inhibitors along the way to destroying the nexus. Simple right?

Wrong! This is a game of strategy, a modern day chess if you will, where there are infinite ways to outwit your enemy.

If you haven’t figured this out or refuse to make any effort, all is not lost! Here are some general tips that will help you improve and rid those console gamer urges to murder on sight.


I hate myself for this sub-title. But gold is a key component of this game and you’re useless without it. So stop ignoring those pesky minions and kill them. Only last hits will gift you that sweet nectar, so time your auto attacks right. A kill in League is worth nearly the same as 12 minions; that’s only two waves! They spawn every 30 seconds, so, if you hit them all, you get a kill every minute. Stop ignoring them and hoping for enemy champion kills, you blood thirsty idiot!


You guys just love being hit in the face don’t you!? You see red and all you want is to destroy that smug bastard across the rift.

Well, if you’re going to be an aggro c**t, don’t do it while taking damage from minions or towers. A minion’s damage may be small but if they’re kicking you in the balls while you’re being uppercut by the enemy champion it all counts and you’re ‘Gonna have a bad time!’

Minions attack the nearest minion or champ near them, so wait until they’re brawling with your minions before going for a rumble with the opposing champ. Better yet, take advantage of the enemy champs positioning when your minions outnumber theirs. This may not be relevant when you’re all blinged-out with items later in the game, but it can be crucial early game. Also, regarding towers, you’ll take its aggro if you get too close without minions to take its damage output. If you attack an enemy champion under it, it will switch its target to you, and vice versa if they attack you under your tower – use this to your advantage.


Item builds are the key to winning games; choose a build that doesn’t compliment your champion’s abilities and skills and you might as well start tea bagging yourself. So, if you’re a marksman with high attack damage potential, focus hard on items that add to your AD hit points – eg. Infinity Blade, Blood Thirster – and use attack speed items later. The same goes for ability power focussed champs: go for items with high AP points. Also, take note of your enemies’ build; it is highly possible to counter build them, making their items useless, but this is generally best for tank builds.


This is simple but nobody f**king does it! Wards are the key to map domination. Knowing your enemies’ movements makes your life so much easier, don’t you think? Wards help you protect key positions on the map, prevent ambushes and can even help you set up your own ambush. And, don’t leave it to the support because they have sightstone. Every champ can put down a max of 4 wards at a time – 3 stealth wards and 1 vision ward – and the more wards you have down, the bigger your probability of not getting killed or an easy assassination towards your foe. Also, don’t walk into the brush without one, unless you are 100% sure there are no enemies nearby.

P.S. Vision wards can only disappear if an enemy destroys them, so place them in a key brush area and they could go the whole game untouched; therefore, giving permanent vision and revealing champs with stealth abilities.

P.P.S. Stealth wards last three minutes.

I feel this is a good place to stop for now. Take this as a beginner’s guide to improving your League game. I’ll come back with an intermediary tips when I stop chasing kills in an un-warded jungle while getting bummed by minions in a 1 vs 5 team fight.

Bear Out!

*Rito is the special people way of saying the name of the developer, Riot.

**I can spell lose correctly unlike the rest of the internet.


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